Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Dallas Cowboys

Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Dallas Cowboys. Your 2013 record: 8-8. I forgot they blew a 26-3 halftime lead against Green Bay and lost. At this point, all of the chokes have blended together. It's a blur, really. Your coach: Hmm. Yes. Indeed… Boy, that sums up everything, doesn't it? Look at Princeton Boy sitting there, just waiting to have a shoebox filled with oily diarrhea handed to him. You could replace Jason Garrett will literally anyone, and nothing about the Cowboys would be different. You could replace him with Chip Kelly. You could replace him with a Dustbuster. It doesn't matter. No matter who you are, you don't get a war room phone. You sit on your hands and you smile like a fool. Your quarterback: Tony Romo. This is where I remind you that Jerry Jones gifted $55 million to Romo before last season, and now Romo's back is completely shot. We can go ahead and say it now: You have seen the best of Tony Romo. All that choking at the end of the regular season in years past? That was the good stuff. He's not gonna stay healthy long enough to even tease your cock this season. It's all over. And I think he came to peace with that fact a very long time ago. Thankfully, the Cowboys have the deluxe security blanket of BRANDON WEEDEN ready when Romo's entire lower body is paralyzed. God, they really brought in Weeden. Imagine going out on cruise ship, and the cruise ship's emergency dinghy consists of two Mountain Dew bottles lashed together. That's Brandon Weeden. What's new that sucks: There's just so much, I don't even know where to begin! Let's see… Oh, I know! Okay, they lost DeMarcus Ware, who was their best defensive lineman despite having a leg amputated. They demoted Monte Kiffin one year after hiring him to study tape of old Father Dowling Mysteries episodes with the defense. Their shitty nickelback got busted staring at glowsticks with Wes Welker. The third worst defense IN LEAGUE HISTORY somehow got worse. The owner tried to draft Johnny Manziel before his son ripped the draft card away from him. They got caught wining and dining the league's head of officials and no one in the NFL seems to care because Dallas would lose even WITH crooked refereeing. The owner apparently doesn't know how to receive a blowjob. He was also the victim of attempted blackmail after being photographed with a bunch of prostitutes, and everyone kind of shrugged and said "yep, that's Jerry." He also tampered with Adrian Peterson IN FRONT OF A GODDAMN REPORTER. They signed multiple arrestee Rolando McClain, who once retired from football because he was too out of shape to make it through training camp, and the owner defended the signing by saying, "I just like his story." The team also welcomed back Josh Brent, who killed his own teammate while driving drunk. Brent will return to the team in Week 11 and is already their best defender. At least he knows how to hit people. Oh, and they signed Michael Sam. Despite having an absolutely horrible d-line that is already injured, you are still absolutely within your rights to believe Jerry Jones signed Sam strictly for publicity. He probably thinks Sam plays wideout. What has always sucked: Did I mention the owner? Because holy shit, even Castro isn't harder to kill. This is all very sad now. The Cowboys aren't even interestingly, flamboyantly ridiculous anymore. They don't have the energy to be bugfuck insane. They are a broken down amusement park with only three rides left open. The owner is an alcoholic who uses the team strictly for cocktail party chatter. The coach is a ginger meat puppet. The QB is running out of vertebrae. And the defense is historically atrocious. At this point, explaining why the Cowboys suck is like explaining why the sky is dark at night. Their suckiness is its own immutable law. The most notable thing about them over the past few years is that they have a big TV. If you're fan of any other team, the Cowboys exist so that, no matter what else happens with your team, you can say "At least we aren't the Cowboys." You can just assume whatever move the Cowboys make is bad and driven solely by Jerry Jones' toddler-like lust for attention. I bet if Jerry Jones ever found himself alone in a room for more than five minutes, he would have a nervous breakdown. Name any other franchise that could have as many titles as the Cowboys and still fashion themselves into their league's longest running joke. It shouldn't be possible. As I point out every year, this is precisely what Dallas fans deserve. You will not find a fanbase that has engendered less sympathy for its current plight. Have you ever been to Dallas? SPOILER: It's America's worst city. Everything people decry about traffic, sprawl, McMansions, and general American vapidity is embodied by Dallas. These are the people who are way too excited to have access to the United Club. It's a tacky town filled with tacky people and they have earned the tackiest team in the history of organized football. Fuck Dallas. Fuck the Cowboys. And since this is the end of the series this year, fuck everyone. What might not suck: Somehow Dan Snyder is worse. And younger. Hear it from Cowboys fans! Allison: Last fall, I was in London on the day of the Niners-Jags game. I got to talking about 'American football' with some Germans who were going to the game, and at one point I mentioned that I was from Dallas and rooted for the Cowboys. Their response: "Ach – you mean for ze Sad-boys." I had no comeback. Even German tourists know that we suck. (Ed note: Sad-boys was my favorite email of the year.) Ben: Truly this is America's Team: where the consumer gives and gives to the corporation and is given nothing but false promises based on a once proud past, and admonished for ever questioning the machine. Ali: Asked to grade his performance as GM, he says, "I'd give a C. If we had won a half a game more a year, we would be in the top five winningest teams in the NFL. … We've been in a rut. Now, that stops with me. But the best person to get it out of the rut is me."-Jerry Jones Stephen: I lived in Dallas until I was 18 and every time I move somewhere new, I get more embarrassed about my Cowboys upbringing. Jarred: Fuck Tony Romo and Jerry Jones with a rake. Doug: Even the Bengals can't say they paid a guy $120 mil whose spine is held together with dental floss and duct tape. Jerry: Because Stephen Jones physically restraining his father from drafting Johnny Manziel is better defense than the Cowboys will play this season. Tony: Dad: "Is Kyle Orton still around? Who's our backup this year?" Me: "No, he's gone. Do you really want me to tell you?" Dad: "What?" Me: "Do you really want to know?" Dad: "What? Yea, tell me" Me: "Are you sure?" Dad: "Yes, just tell me already. Jesus" Me: "Brandon Weeden" /long pause Dad: "Fuck you bitch!" /hangs up phone He called me back a minute later to confirm I indeed said Brandon Weeden and promptly hung up again when I said yes. Rob: Fuck Babe Laufenberg with Quincy's Carter's penis and Drew Henson holding. Huey: In the past 12 years, we've had more players named Roy Williams than playoff victories. Alex: Some Cowboys fans believe that Tony Romo is an overrated turnover machine who will never lead this team to a Super Bowl. Others believe that he is by far the best quarterback Dallas has had since Troy Aikman. Both of these things are 100% true. Fuck Jerry Jones with a railroad spike. Kethia: Dillon: Because "HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS?!?" is actually considered an acceptable way to start a conversation in the Dallas metroplex. Michael: I read the ESPN The Magazine profile on Jerry Jones and was kind of charmed by it. Stockholm Syndrome is setting in, please send help. Z: Let's peruse the Jerry Jones IMDB page: Coach (1986) Arli$$ (1996/1999) Entourage (2010) The League (2012) Dallas (2012/2013) Big Brother (2014 – this really pissed me off) Ranjit: Wait, so the Cowboy's entire defense is apparently on PEDs and they still can't stop anyone? What will happen when they are taken off them? My guess is the end zone will be as protected as Marcellus Wallace's anus. Jay: Our owner was recently had photos leaked of him in a bathroom with two strippers in compromising positions. This was like 3rd on the list of bad decisions he's made this year. Andrew: Jerry Jones thinks it is a sweepstakes worthy prize to have breakfast with him. Jon: Two years ago my lovely wife surprised me with tickets to see the 'Boys play on a monday night. We roadtripped and watched them get annihilated by the Bears in Texas in front of a crowd that was maybe 60% pro-Cowboy. Our state-of-the-art stadium somehow makes it quieter for opposing fans and we never show up there predictably. Also on our way to that game a TEXAN GOOD OL BOY almost ran me off the road because of my Obama 2012 bumper sticker. Mike: Every time I say I'm a Cowboys fan I have to do it with a shoulder shrug and turn my eyes down. Evans: I once went to a Cowboys @ Seahawks game while visiting relatives in Seattle. I was 10 years old, and we met Jerry Jones at a restaurant right before the game (note: no sense of urgency for him to make it to this Monday night game on time). It was an amazing experience, he called me over to him since I was the only kid in the restaurant wearing a Cowboys jersey. He took pictures with me, signed my hat, and let me hold his Super Bowl ring. Made my night. He made himself likable to a 10 year old, which in hindsight was actually very nice of him. We won the game that night in dramatic late-game comeback fashion. Nothing more a 10 year old fan could ask for. I freakin' loved this team. We went 5-11 that year with Vinny Testaverde. Did I mention I was 10 years old? I fucking hate this team. Rob: 1) Calling Sean Lee "as fragile as glass" is insulting to the structural integrity of glass. 2) We lost our two best defensive players, kept the defensive coaches, and Jerry thinks we improved. Christian: I attend training camp for the team in Oxnard, CA every year with a buddy. Last year, we got there early and went hunting through some of the booths for a bite to eat and a water. A local high school had set up a tent for a fundraiser. They didn't have water for sale. Why? Because the Cowboys wouldn't allow them to sell any… since they bottle and sell fucking Cowboys brand water. Ben: We hired a fucking wolfman of a defensive coordinator who subsequently couldn't do shit. Then he suddenly goes to the Saints, a team completely unknown for defense and turns them into some sort of sack machine defensive juggernaut that drinks 93 octane and pisses nails. Eric: Do I really need to say why? David: I am from Texas and live in New York now. I have to deal with asshole fans who loved the Cowboys in the 90's because they liked watching a team win the Super Bowl. Now I see all the dredges of East Coast Cowboy fans and they are just the absolute worst knuckle-dragging buffoons I have ever watched games with. "Remember when we were good and Jimmy Johnson and Troy and Emmitt and, and, and.." it's worse than having to deal with the fact that Eli Manning backed his fucking face into a Lombardy trophy twice. And we are supposed to be rooting for the same team! I can enjoy being the only Cowboy fan in a bar full of Giants/Eagles/Redskins fans and hold my own, but when some fucker from New Paltz or Hackensack walks in sporting an Emmitt jersey, I just want to throw myself out of the bar. BM: The last time the Dallas Cowboys played in the NFC Championship Game was January 14, 1996. Here's a list of things that have happened since then: I turned 11. Two new U.S. presidents won two terms each. Terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center towers. Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear. Derek Jeter was voted AL Rookie of the Year Danny Wuerffel won the Heisman Trophy Google launched Rick Pitino coached the Boston Celtics South Park aired its first episode Barry Sanders retired from football Seinfeld ended Ted Kaczynski got arrested Why the hell is this team still popular? How is Jerry Jones still alive? Why am I still a fan? Tyler: We went 5-1 against our division last year. 5 AND FUCKING 1 and somehow still missed the playoffs. That's almost majestic in its level of shit. Joe: Every other Cowboy fan you meet is either a douchebag frontrunner or some toothless hick shitfaced on Miller Lite. Matt: The stadium is a hotel that provides EASILY the worst home field advantage in the league. David: My wife knows so little about football that I have to tell her which team just scored and whether we are happy. But she somehow knows enough to taunt me every time the Cowboys lose, and throw something sharp at me if they win. That is her ONLY interest in the NFL. Hoping my team loses, because they are the fucking Cowboys. Satchel: Jeff Heath, the pride of Saginaw Valley State, managed to play a full season at safety and total 12 tackles. Only thing sadder than that was me driving to Twin Peaks every Sunday to watch him repel off receivers and running backs while I soaked shitty tacos with lukewarm beer. How is it that Jeff Heath can play a full season and Sean Lee can't? Turdy: The Cowboys are so poorly run that they get away with shit simply because its exhausting to talk about all of it. 1. Drafting Anthony Fasano with a second round pick and then trading him for a 4th to Miami. 2. Then drafting Martelleus Bennett with a second round pick. Anthony Fasano flourishes in Miami 3. Letting the notoriously pouty Bennett go when shockingly he doesn't want to sit behind Jason Witten another 10 years 4. Bennett flourishes with Chicago 5. Dallas drafts lumbering nothing tight end Gavin Escobar with a 2nd round pick. He is immediately awful. Louis: The last positive thing Jason Garrett did for the franchise was beat the Packers on Thanksgiving in 1994. -The best linebacker on the team tore his ACL on this first day of OTA's, and the team's beat reporters tried to spin it as "Hey, if there's one player the Cowboys are used to doing without, it's Sean Lee!" Yeah that would be fine, if the talent ranking of linebackers to spend at least day on the Dallas Cowboys roster in the calendar year 2014 didn't look like this: 1. Sean Lee (see above) 2. Bradie James (signed a one-day contact in May to retire as a Cowboy) 3. Bruce Carter (got pulled from a game in 2013 after getting burned by Danny Woodhead twice on wheel routes for touchdowns) 4. Rolando McClain (hasn't played since 2012, number of arrests+retirements in his career matches his tackles per game average) -In the past 20 years, there have been three instances of the NFL revising or creating penalties specifically as a result of a Cowboys player. Michael Irvin got the offensive pass interference rules re-written in the mid-'90s. Illegal hands to the face by an offensive lineman? That was known as the "Erik Williams penalty" for its first several years of existence, despite Flozell Adams' best efforts to make it his own a decade later. And then there's the horse-collar tackle, initially (and affectionately, in some circles) known as the "Roy Williams rule." -Twice since 2011, a team has come into Jerry's Alien Ship of Excess and either tied or broken their franchise record for biggest deficit overcome to win a game. Philip: Our defense consists of a guy who has managed to retire and be arrested in both of the preceding off-seasons, a guy who spit on a bartender, a CB popping ecstasy in Mexico, a DE with Styrofoam knees, and worst of all, multiple former Jaguar defenders. Oh, I also must mention in the inevitable return of our former DT who once killed a teammate driving drunk. The worst part: I think this is an improvement from last year. Evan: I grew up in Dallas and have been a Cowboys fan all my life. I now live in London and work right next to St Pauls, which generally has throngs of tourists being exceedingly annoying. At least three times a week I see someone near here wearing some sort of Cowboys gear and make a point to try and find out if they're actually a fan. Alas, none have so far ever 1) been to a game or 2) been to Dallas. So yes, they're just like every other Cowboys fan. Daniel: My best friend is a die hard Cowboys fan who texts me "TONY'S HOME" every time Romo throws a touchdown. He is from Central Connecticut and has never been to Dallas. J: Whoever nicknamed the Dallas Cowboys 'America's Team' needs to be fucked gently with a chainsaw. Billy: The stupid screen is so distracting nobody watches the field. The stadium also faces east – west so any game running into late afternoon/early evening features blinding sun as an obstacle. Sam: Barry: The CEO at my company says he's a long time Cowboys fan…who also roots for the Jets. Jordan: Welcome to the club Rolando. Enjoy your brief stay. Or don't. Fuck you. Brad: Fuck Shante Carver. Fuck Sherman Williams. Fuck Deion Sanders. Fuck David LaFleur. Fuck Chris Warren. Fuck Chan Gaily. Fuck not drafting Randy Moss. Fuck Flozell "False Start" Adams. Fuck Joey Galloway. Fuck Troy Hambrick. Fuck Darren Hambrick. Fuck Kareem Larrimore. Fuck Quincy Carter. Fuck Ebeneezer Ekuban. Fuck Kavika Pittman. Fuck Alonzo Spellman. Fuck Chad Hutchinson. Fuck Richmond Flowers. Fuck Robert Thomas.Fuck Bruce Coslet.Fuck Antonio Bryant. Fuck Julius Jones. Fuck Vinnie Testaverde. Fuck Terrell Owens. Fuck Roy Williams (both of them). Fuck Wade Philips. Fuck Felix Jones. Fuck the entire 2009 draft. Fuck Mike Vanderjagt. Fuck Martin Gramatica. Fuck Billy Cundiff. Fuck David Buehler. Fuck Nick Folk. Fuck Sean Lee for being made of cheap porcelain. And finally fuck me for still caring. ***swigs whisky,single tear,reaches for pistol*** No Funeral. Patrick: Here's a couple of moves or non-moves Jerry Jones has made as General Manager over the last 15 years: *Traded away multiple first round picks for Joey Galloway, whose best season in Dallas was a 61 catch, 908 year. *Passed up on Randy Moss, who was dying to be a Cowboy. *Traded away multiple first round picks for Roy Williams, whose best season in Dallas was a 38 catch, 596 yard season. *Gave Jay Ratliff a 5-year, $40 million extension in 2011, and was off the team by 2013. *Gave Miles Austin a 6-year, $54 million extension in 2011. Cut after the 2013 season. *Gave Brandon Carr a 5-year, $50.5 million contact in 2012. According to Pro Football Focus, Carr gave up 1,017 yards in coverage, the second-most in the NFL. Brian: Dallas Cowboy fans are the Dane Cook of NFL fans. Steven: Last year I went to the Cowboys at Chargers game with my dad for his birthday. As a lifelong Dallas fan (from Arizona of course) and me, from California naturally, we see them anytime they are in town. Before the game started, the announcer asked for a moment of silence in honor of Paul Oliver, a former Charger who passed away only 3 days before at the age of 29. During the moment of silence, two grown ass men, one wearing a Cowboys Luchadora style wrestling mask, and the other wearing an actual Cowboys helmet, which I'm guessing he wears at all times, tried to start a LETS GO COWBOYSchant in our section. I hated them and I hated myself at the same exact time. That about sums it up for everyone. J: You've already read everything people will write you: 107-101 since Troy Aikman's last year. 136-136 since the Divisional loss to Carolina on January 5, 1997. One playoff win since December 28, 1996. Switzer, Gailey, Campo, the Parcells interregnum, Phillips and Garrett. The high draft pick wastes; Felix Jones, Mike Jenkins, James Marten, Bobby Carpenter, Julius Jones, Jacob Rogers, Tony Dixon, Dwayne Goodrich, Ebenezer Ekuban, David Lafleur, Kavika Pittman, Sherman Fucking Williams. The salary cap hell the team continues to traverse; per Spotrac, $24.8MM in dead money this year with $140MM in active contract money scheduled for 2015 (that's the season that won't start until next year). This is all worn ground. The truth of the Dallas Cowboys, the only thing to really know about Why My Team Sucks, is this; Jerry Jones has to die. I don't mean that in a threatening, someone-should-kill-him ominous statement. I simply mean the Dallas Cowboys will not be a successful team while Jerry Jones lives or the trust he has assigned the Cowboys to deems him compos mentis. As a Cowboys fan my job is to dutifully monitor Mr. Jones health, view the team's on-field and off-field exploits as dispassionately as possible, and wait for the obituary. His ego, his lack of organizational vision and his wallet will end any and all momentum this team can gather. This is how I imagine the last days of Al Davis' Raiders felt to a Raiders fan. Trey: I grew up in Irving, home of the old Texas Stadium. After joining the military and being stationed overseas, I met lots of Cowboys "fans" during the 90s. At first I was excited that so many people from around the United States (stationed with me abroad) were fellow fans of The Star on the Helmet. This quickly turned to shame and disappointment when I realized they did not know fuck-all about football (the Cowboys don't play in Dallas? Wearing of the blue road jersey…etc.) Joe: It's like being a Yankees fan, but without any sort of on-field success over the last 15 years. You will immediately become the most hated person in the bar the second you walk in wearing a Cowboys jersey, and the team hasn't been consistently good since Clinton was spraying jizz all over the oval office. Willis: They are 'The Monkey's Paw' of the NFL. I wish for a dominant Offensive line! Ok, but your QB just got snapped in half! I wish for some cap space! Ohh, it was Demarcus Ware we cut, from the worst D-line in the league! I wish for an awesome running game, then! OK, and here are the two pass-happiest Coordinators in NFL to call the plays! "Here is the cake you wished for, Cowboy fan! *whispers* The icing is made of dog shit." Brandon: The following is true about most Cowboys fans: – Never resided in Texas – Lives in a town near a divisional rival (DC, Philly, NY) – Took up rooting for the Cowboys in 9th grade to troll friends and ended up sticking with it – Thinks we should have drafted Johnny Manziel – Still refers to Cowboys as "America's Team"